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Grill Talk: Um, well, hamburgers?

Image by Robert S. Donovan

So. Today the Ultimate Recipe Swap topic over at LifeasMOM is Grill Talk.

Oh, dear.

Well, (*taking a deep breath*) sure, I'll give it a go. (*Weak smile*)

Remember, Brianna, the first rule of writing is: Write what you know.

OK, ladies! This post is for all you girls whose husbands always do the grilling. (Like me.) I'm going to tell you what I know about grilling. (It's destined to be a short post.)

Number One:
Before you start the grill up, you should open it and look inside to see if there is anything in it. If you don't check, you might burn up the grilling implements with wooden handles that your husband likes to store inside the grill. Now, don't titter and giggle and ask me how I know this. Just do it, K?

Number Two:
Use a gas grill. At least if you want to use any more information from me. Because with as little as I know about gas grills, I know even less about charcoal. I know nothing about charcoal grills. So, if you want to use charcoal, I can't help you.

Number Three:
To start the grill, you should turn on the propane tank. Then turn the little dial thingies to the "light" position. Then light a match as quickly as you can and stick it in the little hole on the side. What, you say? It took you a while to find the hole and when you finally DID find it and got near it with the match you nearly blew yourself up? Oh, yes. Well, look for the little hole first before turning on all that stuff. Oh, and if your grill has a handy little red "light" button, that works, too. That is, if it works. Mine doesn't. Oh, yes, and it would also help to have your hair pulled back and not care too very much about your eyebrows. Really, you can always pencil them in later, honey.

Number Four:
(We're getting dreadfully close to the end of my knowledge.) Um, well, scrape the grill off once it's burned for a few minutes. Yeah, yeah, do that.

Number Five:
This part is where you put your stuff on the grill. The part where you probably need a recipe or something. Or need to know how to cook the stuff on the grill. But, well, um...I've only ever burned stuff on the grill. *GASP* I know, I know. This whole post you've been under the impression that I'm some sort of expert. Sigh. Well, there you have it. I don't really know much about anything when it comes to grilling. My sweet husband cooks delightful things on that thing, but I never do.

What I can tell you is how I prepare the hamburger meat that he cooks into delicious burgers! *Looking hopeful* Would you like that? (Do I sound desperate?)

OK, well, I take about a pound of hamburger meat, add an egg or two to it and a little oatmeal sometimes (it makes it stretch a little further and can also help bind the meat together). I add a fair dose of salt, pepper, Worcestershire sauce, a little hot sauce, garlic salt, and onion powder.

I mix it gently with my bare hands--the patties seem to be tougher when handled too much or mixed with a fork. When well-mixed, I shape it into patties. I take a ball somewhere between the size of a golf ball and tennis ball and flatten it out. I try to flatten it really well, because those little suckers like to shrink all up and turn into fat, thick disks. Not very hamburgerish, you know? So, make them really flat.

Then sometimes I let them sit in the fridge for a couple of hours to really let the flavors blend.

Then I hand them to my sweet husband, who takes them out, does something magical and brings them back inside looking and tasting just right! I have no idea what he does or how he does it. And that's the truth.

I'm so sorry, FishMama. If you want to kick me off of Ultimate Recipe Swap until the end of time, I'll understand...

If you'd like some real ideas about grilling, head on over to the Ultimate Recipe Swap at LifeasMOM!


Cynthia said...

Funny! I was going to attempt grill on the charcoal grill by myself last weekend with Bryce's supervision. He ended up doing most of the work, but I was given the task of putting meat on the grill. the chicken came out fine, but I burned up the sausage. I set the oven timer but did not stand out by the grill montintoring the progress (I guess Bryce's estimation of cooking time was a little off- or the grill was way hot). Ooops. I will master the grill one day!

FishMama said...

You crack me up. Of course I'm not going to kick you off. I'm right there with ya. Hubs usually does the cooking.

And when we lived in Kansas, we had to check the grill for birds (live ones) before we fired it up. Scared me to death each time I'd open that sucker and birds would fly out.

Sherry said...

Lol, we have a nest in our grill presently. LOL!

Jenn @ Beautiful Calling said...

Oh Brianna, I love to read everything that you write. You have such a great personality!! Though we've never met, I wish you lived near! (The house next door to me is for sale.....)

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